Conservative Minority

We've just had a federal election here in the frozen North and the Liberals have been booted from power after a really, really long time of running things. You'll hear that it was because of Liberal corruption scandals, Kyoto, US relations, mad cow, the gun registry, universal daycare, waiting times in hospitals, and who is prepared to suck up to Quebec more. But here's what the election really boiled down to:

Stephen Harper has vampire eyes.

Who ever heard of a blood-mouthed, cold-hearted Canadian? We're lumberjacks! We're hosers! We're world champions of juvenile hockey! We're Hollywood's favorite schmendrick comedians! We're peacekeepers! We CURL!

But some of us are the undead, some of (a lot of) us find that groovy, and now some of us run the country. Watch for it: Mr Harper will make no major policy announcements while the sun is up.

Google "Harper Vampire" and you will find that many of the new prime minister's extended family are likewise undead or know a lot about those who are.

The Winnipeg Free Press Online (Jan 19) has important tips for all those who suspect that vampires might be lurking just behind the slightly waxen masks of their parliamentary representatives:

You Know Your Candidate Is A Vampire If:

1) You offer them a cup of coffee and they want "decoffinated." If you offer beer, they demand "blood lite."

2) They hand out campaign literature while wearing a T-shirt that declares: "VOTE FOR ME -- I SUCK!''

3) They're dressed completely in black and it's NOT Johnny Cash Appreciation Day.

4) You breathe on them after eating garlic sausage and they spontaneously burst into flames.

5) During a discussion of funding for post-secondary education they, for no apparent reason, turn into a giant bat.

6) They refuse to stop humming "You're So Vein" or "Fangs For The Memories."

7) You're barbecuing, so you offer them a "great big steak" and they run away screaming.

8) You ask why they don't have any campaign literature and they reply: "Because I just popped in for a quick bite!"

9) You ask if they'd like to go jogging in the morning and they beg off, saying: "Sorry, I'm dead on my feet.''

10) Finally, you demand to know what policy really makes their blood boil and, without batting an eye, they snarl: "Daylight Savings Time."