Christmas fibs

Things I have told my three-year-old over the last two weeks:

-- The deer in the front yard are casing our house; they've heard that we've got a borderline naughty/nice situation going on in here and need to verify it for Santa. Many presents hang in the balance of what they see in the next few hours.
-- Yams are Santa's favorite vegetable. If he hears you aren't eating yours, he'll probably reconsider that remote-control tarantula on your list.
--He sees you when you're sleeping/He knows when you're awake AND he knows that bedtime is 7.45. Let's not let him catch you awake any later than that.
--We leave a plateful of green peas on the mantlepiece for Santa because Santa knows that green peas make you fly.
--Santa will not risk coming down the chimney of a house where little boys wipe their nose on their sleeve. No one wants to get germs, especially not on such an important night.
--The government passed a law: boys under the age of 14 cannot have laser pistols, pretend or otherwise. Mummy could go to jail if Santa brings you one of those.

I'll probably get coal in my stocking. At least that would give me an excuse to leave the festivities early and take a nap.