Career Criminal

I unplugged my office phone on Wednesday. I did this because I am in A Scrape, again. Again. I broke up with a client via email before he was ever really a client -- much swag was exchanged, including a small pink brain on wheels, but no actual cash or equivalent changed hands -- and have been afraid to answer the phone ever since. I just plugged it back in and it's not beeping, which means that he didn't phone. He also didn't email. Why? Doesn't he want to tell me how sorry he is that this didn't work out, but that he completely understands and wishes me well? That he bears no grudge and is completely fine with the whole thing? Has he no feelings of compassion? IS HE NOT THINKING OF ME?

Excuses I have used to get out of employment:

1. I am moving to Canada
2. I took a job at a government installation that i cannot name
3. I have a wasting disease
4. My canary died
5. I'm allergic to the kind of pens you use here
6. Is this place strictly kosher??
7. Too much sunlight
8. Not enough sunlight
9. The desk smells weird
10. What? No company bicycles?
11. My officemate eats too much fruit
12. Bob's scary ear hair is all over everything
13. Scared of heights
14. Recently adopted a strict "no bleached paper" policy

These moments haunt me a little these days, as I contemplate my utter lack of a vacation property, Armani pant suits and a European sportscar. Maybe I should have persevered at the journal of obstetrics and gynecology (see excuses 1, 9 and 12, above). I bet THAT would have paid off in the long run. Nothing like extensive knowledge about gravid uteruses to get a girl into the pages of In Style.