Bells and Whistles

I hate my phones. They all have the most horrible ways of communicating with me. Why can our machines not, for example, cough discreetly or whisper our names like a lover, or bang a gong so we can get it on and all that. My DVD welcomes me to DVD World and wishes me Bye! My microwave tells me to Enjoy My Meal. This is akin to that Microsoft Office paperclip, to which I would also like to take an enthusiastic hammer. I like my machines to be the strong silent type.

Or, alternatively, to make the following sounds:

Tra-la-la! (a la Captain Underpants)
Meadowlark trills
Steve Martin on banjo
Wind in a pine forest
Sneakers scaping in the gravel underneath a swing
Opening riff of "Need You Tonight"
Toast popping up
Icecubes cracking under cold gin
Lief yawning

Just for the record, I would also like for my next-door neighbor's stupid fracking motorcycle to be the strong silent AND LONG GONE type. Who tunes a motorcycle at 6.30 in the morning???