Blinded by giblets

Halloween is still a few weeks off, but I have spent the month of October pretty much scared to fucking death. Fall in Alberta can be a bone-chilling affair at the best of times, but this has been a warm and beautiful autumn so far. Not warm, not beautiful, however, are the following:

1. We're getting a dog, a hare-brained Spaniel that eats leaves and barfs (not shoots).

2. Mom in hospital for possible bowel cancer. Or not. Who can say? Certainly not the medical professionals, at least not for the last three days because there are no beds except those in the noisy, smelly and scary emergency ward, and apparently only one colon specialist in the entire province. I saw things on her dinner tray last night that would make your hair curl. . .

SPEAKING OF WHICH . . .

3. The man in Tyler Texas attempting to break the world record for leg-hair length (substantially longer than four inches) has invaded my dreams. IMAGINE.

4. New antibiotics mean, potentially: tremors, diarrhea, nausea, headache, insomnia, tendon weakness, swelling of feet, dimness of vision, thoughts of suicide AND NO ALCOHOL. I would rather smell smoke for the rest of my life, I think.

5. My four-year-old son works diligently at perfecting his Mr. Bean routine. We can no longer walk through the poultry section of our local grocery store, because he wants to put a raw turkey on his head and then stagger around blinded by giblets.